She Will Be Everything I Love To Love

“I just kinda feel like I’m unworthy of this life. God gave me life and as much as I try, I’m living in sin. And that is the message I’m just getting from all these people around me. And I hate liking women. I wish I had a choice, maybe I do. But all I know is I’ve tried everything I can think of to be “cleansed from my sin” and I still can’t. I’m fucking wasting my life…. even if God does not view me as the devil’s work, does that mean that all of these adults around me that I respect and trust and follow are interpreting the bible wrong? And if so, who else do I go to? All I know is at the current school climate, so many adults and students are treating gay people as “the other” and I feel bad….this is the world surrounding me now and all I want to do is lie and say I’m straight because no matter how many people say “I can still love someone who is gay,” I can still feel the judgement and I’m starting to understand why people don’t like organized Christianity and why they think Christians are full of hate…. [these people] make me feel ashamed of who/what I am.”

The night I sent this I was 17 and queer- spiraling into hopelessness over who I am. I accidentally came out a few weeks before my school decided, based on their version of Christianity, that it was unacceptable to support LGBTQ+ individuals. I sent this message to my friend and hoped she would throw me a lifeline. I had been kicked out of the exclusive Christianity club and needed someone to tell me that I am still worthy of this life I’ve been given. I was searching for dignity in an…