Go With Love

*I thought I had more time to say goodbye. So I wrote and addressed this to Sheila Roberts-Veatch to read while she was alive. I wish we had more years and I am profoundly thankful for the ones we had. Since she died before this could reach her, I am making this public. May she be carried onwards in these words and in our memories.

Sheila,
You once asked me what life I would have chosen for myself. And I told you “…regardless of the grief and loss and complications, I am here…. and I am grateful.”
Here brought me to you. To our friendship and this love for which I am profoundly blessed by. Here because of choices out of my control and many more made by me. Our lives are comprised of decisions (I know I don’t have to tell you that) and so many of mine brought me into connection with you. One took me away.
Ever since I heard you were going to die I have been replaying that moment. You offered your house and hospitality to me for rest. But I chose DC and we said we had more time. We had no way of knowing differently. And we did have more time, months more of friendship, yearning for someday in the sun. But in this lifetime someday is not going to come.
Upon hearing my decision, you sent me on with love into life. Not that you also did not hold life, but this one choice opened up everything for me and took me away from you in one go. Still, we stayed in connection, deep while we could; exchanging words with grace and wordless grace, our friendship stands. What precious time well spent. Thank God our words were not left unsaid between us.
You noticed me back when I was finding myself out in the mess of life and made sure I knew I was held with love. You sent me on, envisioning me shining. And I did and I am. You saw that from the beginning and told me so. Perhaps this is why you made sure I knew my choice was not between you and DC but of me and me — both paths leading towards homes I could occupy and selves I would love.
You are wonderful. And you are loved. I know you know that but I wanted to make sure to say it one last time. You offered me life and life. And I took it. I hope and know you also took my offerings of words and love as life. We did a work in each other’s lives. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I promise I will finish this next book I’m writing that we were both waiting eagerly for. I’m so sorry you won’t be able to read it in this life. The elusive someday will be upon us when I…